5 Most Ludicrous Movie Performance Of All Time - THE FINAL CHAPTER

For the Grand Finale, let me introduce you to someone so awesome, so mind-bogglingly bonkers, he should win an award for just existing. Producer, writer, director, actor, man of mystery, Korean leather jacket importer and all-round font of amazement, this guy is so over-the-top unusual, you want to shake his hand and say "Thank you, Tommy! THANK YOU!".  Sometimes, someone tries so hard that not only do they fail on an epic scale, but it is so, so epic, it reverses the laws of reality and becomes one of the greatest achievements in the history of mankind. You may not even have heard of this man but there can be no one else in the final spot of this list because, my friends, I have saved the best for last. If you have not encountered him already, may I introduce...

Tommy Wiseau - The Room
If you haven't heard of or seen The Room, shame on you. You must seek it out at all costs. Nothing quite prepares you for utter brilliance of it; it's been called "the Citizen Kane of bad movies", an honour previously bestowed upon Plan 9 From Outer Space. It has become a major cult hit, with its Director/Writer/Producer/Executive Producer/Star Tommy Wiseau turning up at screenings to give Q+A sessions at midnight screenings, it has played once a month in one prestigious New York venue for nearly 5 straight years, it has replaced The Rocky Horror Picture Show in the audience participation stakes. Its fans form lines around the block to see endless shots of Tommy's ass during sex scenes with an uncomfortable-looking young actress way out of his league and his remarkably schizophrenic performance. He makes Christopher Fuckin' Walken look like Clive Owen. People shout his lines back at him whenever he's on the screen and even through plastic forks because, for some reason, the apartment in which the film takes place is decorated with pictures of cutlery. Weirder still, if you go to a screening, you'll need a football (of the American sort - a rugby ball to the rest of us). Why? Because for no apparent reason, the male characters like to dress in tuxedos and toss the pigskin in alleyways for absolutely no frickin' reason! But the movie's crowning glory is Wiseau, a man who prefers to be called American but who possesses a mysterious Trans-European accent. People have speculated that he's taking the piss, got something wrong with him, is insane, from another planet or possibly a Vampire (and indeed, he's playing one in his next movie). Whatever. To me, he'll always be a genius, albeit an accidental one (and they're usually the best kind). Now genius is a pretty strong word so let me justify my assertion by inviting you to watch what happens when the love of his life turns out to be a manipulative sociopath who spreads a false rumor that he hit her. Just watch this, watch the guy's reaction;



Yeah. And did you catch his reaction to Mark's story about that girl who wound up in hospital? "Ha, ha, ha. What a story, Mark!". And what about Mark's misogynistic ramble about whether women are too smart, stupid or evil? What is this? Antichrist II? Well, it seems to Tommy, playing Johnny, that Mark's an expert. I mean, what the fuck? WHAT THE FUCK? And why is the roof shot on Greenscreen? Don't they have roofs in The States? Please American friends, explain this to me. Does Hollywood have to fake rooftop scenes due to legal restrictions since 9/11? If so, they do it a hell of a lot more convincingly than is presented in The Room.

Anyway, Wiseau's performance is pure gold... But for all the wrong reasons. Just look at what happens when he goes to buy some flowers;



Notice the "Hi Doggy"? Every single scene includes the line "Oh hi, Mark" or "Oh hi, Doggy", "Oh hi, Lisa", Oh hi, Johnny", "Oh hi insert name here". I'm sorry but if you have seen or even heard of the film, you probably know all this already.

Since it's release, Wiseau has gone on record saying that it was all deliberate. Some of the cast members have countered by claiming that he meant it to be a serious drama. Uh... lets not get into that, we're here to discuss his performance. So why is it the most ludicrous movie performance of all time? Because its like his character has no awareness of the fictional world around him; one minute he's protesting Lisa's accusations "I did not hit huuurrrr! I did naaaarrrrt", the next, he's singing he praises. The thing is, he actually wrote and directed this thing so there should be some kind of consistency there, it's not like he was reading from a script someone else wrote. In some ways, he's a marvelously eccentric performer and I'm actually really looking forward to his vampire movie and he's a great sport at those screenings (marred slightly by his claims it was a all on purpose, though that would explain a lot). Wiseau's even spoofed his own image on comedy shows and very funny little short called The House that Dripped Blood on Alex and he's so downright alien I wish someone would cast him as a Doctor Who villain. He's like Christopher Walken and Klaus Kinski somehow had an illegitimate lovechild. I will leave you with a clip from the most famous scene from the movie. I suggest you see it AT ALL COSTS.

5 Most Ludicrous Movie Performances Of All Time Part 4

Sometimes an artist must struggle for years to get their vision up there on the silver screen, whether they be a director, actor, screenwriter or producer (sometimes all of these), he or she must toil on lesser projects for most of their career until finally, one day, they have the commercial clout and box office success that allows them to initiate their dream project. Often, they may find themselves biting off more than they can chew but their love and downright faith in the artistic integrity and box office potential of the most treasured and personal work of their life allows them to overcome overwhelming odds and bring in something to be admired and reverred for generations.

Other times, things don't quite work out as planned...

2. John Travolta - Battlefield Earth
Considering that John Travolta struggled for years to bring a movie version of his favourite novel to the screen, it's nothing short of amazing he let it get so bad. It was his pet project, his dream and only made possible when producer Elie Samaha picked it up. Samaha specialised in making movies that stars wanted to make; movies that had trouble finding funding despite the fact that a major name was not only already attached but was the person motivating its production in the first place. Most studios considered the project risky, mainly because it would require expensive special effects, the book's narrative was stuck in the 1950s and some were concerned that, as it was penned by L. Ron Hubbard, its (indirect) connections to Scientology would prove controversial and they were right because, despite the Church of Scientology pointing out that the story had nothing to do with Scientology (and, as far as I can tell, it doesn't), the press jumped on the idea anyway. Many big-name directors (including Quentin Tarantino) turned it down and the job went to Roger Christian who had been an assistant to George Lucas and who, for some reason, shot the entire film using Dutch Tilts so that not a single shot is framed horizontally. Not only does the camerawork give you a headache but the plot makes no sense. None whatsoever. However, as this is a list regarding performers and not the productions they appear in, let's take a moment to study Oscar nominated Travolta's subtle and dignified performance;



OK John. So you spend 15 years trying to get your dream project off the ground and, after pulling off Pulp Fiction you do this? What were you thinking? He's so, so, so bad, you spend ever minute of the film he's not on the screen waiting for him to make another appearance. You just can't believe how hammy he is. Why is he annunciating ev-ery sin-gle syll-a-ble? And what's with his hand? He does that camp hand gesture throughout the whole goddamn movie! What does he think this is? Bad Victorian melodrama? It's like he had some perverse impulse to destroy the very project that was dear to him. You know when a star has a very public nervous breakdown? Its like that; horrible to watch but, like a car crash, something within you forces you to keep your eyes firmly glued to the screen. In his defence, though... nah, I got nothing. Travolta was so involved in the production that he's no one to blame but himself.

This isn't just camp, this isn't just Hammy with a capital "H", this is beyond the pale. In fact, it's soooo beyond the pale it was never in the pale in the first place. Take a look at this, where he not only goes over-the-top, he actually adds the letter "H" to words the letter "H" has no business to be;




"Hattention! Theeesse eeeez TERL!!! Yhour Ch-heif of se-cur-herrre!-teee! Hexteriminate hall mhan-hanimals hat w-hil! Hand happy hunting!"
 
Being able to speak like that is an accomplishment in itself. I know of only one other man who has acheived it and that's Cartmen from South Park. Now, I'll be going into the production of Battlefield Earth in more depth at a later date so we won't dwell too much on what's wrong with it (it'd be quicker to go into what's right with it). but suffice it to say that no one involved in the film really had the power to say to Travolta, "tone it down a bit, mate". Maybe they were worried they'd have their on-set catering rights revoked because presumably, Travolta would respond like this;