Friday, 18 March 2011

5 Most Ludicrous Movie Performances Of All Time Part 3

I was trying desperately to keep today's entry of this week's list. I've been wracking my brains for someone to replace him with, mainly because all the other entries don't seem to be aware that their performances have entered the realms ludicrousness and ludicroustitude but also, because today's subject is, in some ways, beyond criticism. The problem is, he's partly doing everything he does in this movie for attention, partly to get people to laugh and by that I mean that he doesn't seem to care whether people are laughing with him or at him. Also, he knows that almost every single aspect of his performance is totally beyond the pale of what is acceptable within the realms of sanity. Never the less, I've finally decided to include him because what his efforts finally boil down to is an almost deliberate attempt to destroy his own career. Brace yourself, because this one isn't pretty. It's...

Tom Green - Freddy Got Fingered
Here's a film that leaves half of its viewers in a state of anger and the other half sitting in a state of catatonic shock. And its all down to one man. Tom Green, who wrote and starred in this cinematic train wreck, though it can also be described as the ramblings of a mental patient. He shows so little restraint and so little regard for what is and isn't funny that he comes across as someone so seriously disturbed, its a wonder the studio executives didn't just call for the men in white coats upon seeing the first set of dailies. You spend the entire movie repeating "Why? Why? WHY?". Really, you do. Like, what's he doing here?

Is that supposed to be funny? It's just random. Now bare in mind, this whole thing is of Green's own making. There's a scene in the movie where he actually wanks off a horse. But there's no need to show that.

Oh shit! Horsecock! My eyes! My eyes!

Later, this happens.

See, the thing is, despite the fact that Freddy Got Fingered is about as good taste as Serbian Film, Green's performance is so ridiculous, you do find it funny. Just not in the way he thinks it is. He's like that kid at school who is determined to get attention at all costs, regardless of whether it makes people like him or beat him up. I just doesn't seem to realise that this isn't humour, its a nervous breakdown. But the movie completely Jumps The Shark when Green finds himself in a maternity ward and, witnessing a woman going into labour, ignores he pleas for a doctor and decides to deliver the baby himself. This results in probably one of the most disturbing scenes of child abuse I have ever had the displeasure to witness Green not only bites through the umbilical cord but then proceeds to swing the newborn around his head by it. Why? I don't know. The baby isn't actually breathing at this point and this does seem to save the child's life but all the audience sees is a helpless, screaming mother witness a lunatic use her 30-second-old child as a lasso. In fact, actually, Serbian Film seems less fucking disturbing in comparison because Green is inviting us to laugh at his antics. After witnessing this, the fact that Green gets the baby breathing and reunites him with his mother, seemingly unharmed and alive, no longer makes up for what he just did.

The problem is,  I can see Green reading any form of criticism of the movie and just snickering with smugness. He knows none of this is acceptable as comedy and that it isn't funny in the conventional sense. He seems to think of himself more of a surrealist than a comedian. The problem lies with the fact that the audience don't see it that way. People watch this film more out of awe than to be entertained. While he had once shown his cancerous, amputated bollock-in-a-jar on national television and announced "check your balls" in both an attempt to be shockingly funny and to raise awareness of testicular cancer, Freddy Got Fingered just seems to be a list of atrocities for no reason or purpose other than to show how low Hollywood has sunk where we are invited to laugh at beastialty, child abuse, mental illness, accidental death, still born babies and compound fractures. Worse still, it says something about how low we ourselves have sunk because, for all of this, you do actually catch yourself laughing really, really hard at times.

And you will, at some point in your life after
watching this movie, find yourself putting your
suit on the wrong way round and singing,
"I'm the backwards man,
I'm the backwards man..."

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